Sunday, July 26, 2009

For Your Information

[EDIT: This entry is part of a contest. To help me win it, leave a comment and click either of the DermaNetwork links here.]

Come hither, friends, I must of tan-beds tell:
They have not Heaven's light, but heat of Hell!
For though we've Phoebus' steeds put to the bit,
They'll not their rider bear, they'll trample it,
With UV rays of such abundancy
Is matched by tanners, their profligacy.
A million souls do daily rest in those,
Not beds, nay! coffins hot enclosed.
This tanning legion, would-be Boehners all,
Are, like Ben Button, in an age withdrawal.

"More have been going since their years as tots,
Thus do more youth have Melanoma spots.
One patient mine, his skin had cancers three!"
Saith Doctor Zimmet. Would you disagree?
Some near receive their lifetime UV fix
Ere they're th' consenting age for carnal tricks.

"To combat this, the states must and do fight
With legislation," thus saith Lauren Wright.
Although Montana failed, there is a pending law,
I' a score of states, including Arkansas.
That minor access ought to be controlled
By doctor is a notion been well polled.
One out of ten such laws would like t' see;
That's better than Mahmoud his so-called victory.

I know no clearer way to out this spell,
So mark this wisdom, friends, and mark it well:
Not only safer is a minor ban,
It's also cooler than a killer tan.

Brought to you by DermaNetwork


  1. haha-I really like this! I appreciate how it immediately evokes ancient gods and the primal urge we have to look great; to impress. We quite literally almost worship those looks and completely forget that the great bodies and looks are just as false as the olympians (no offense Phoebus) and that beauty is a herculean task to achieve. The end is also nicely tied up with a short and simple, thus very direct and clear promotion of the obvious need and care one should take when getting their fake-bake. Common sense clearly delivered here.

  2. It's creepy how sweetly the poem reads, but talks about death in such a painful way. Nice job!

  3. I so agree. I knew a lady in boise that was so determined to be dark all year that she got this massive burn on her back that would not heal and yet she continued to tan. She is no longer with us. Tanning beds are not that cool. And why do we as a society think that being tan is....sometimes I can't figure out stupid. Enjoyed the article.

  4. I too have had the urge to tan
    Alas my skin looks like baked ham
    I wanted youth, or so I thought
    But now I have the dreaded spot.

    great job Ben.

  5. Skin Cancer, shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

  6. "cooler than a killer tan" is a good line. In some places this poem sounds a bit forced, the rhymes a bit like Seuss, but I recognize that it is difficult to keep up such a rhythm for long. All in all it has a good message and a few quotable lines. I give it a thumb up.

  7. I was actually aiming for something along the lines of Alexander Pope's mock-heroic verse as employed in "The Rape of the Lock" or "The Dunciad."

  8. I can't tan. Just not in my deck of cards

  9. i love the last couplet!

  10. I won't be using a tanning bed for quite some time. (Not that I was going to anyway)

  11. ....Oh to die from a UV light..thank goodness i already have a natural tan...

  12. Great message in a very clever vehicle. Good job!

  13. Fantastic! Brilliant!

  14. A deep message in a sturdy vessel.

  15. Good stuff Ben!

  16. What kind of legislation? Isn't this a second amendment issuse -- the right to bare arms?

  17. Risk of melanoma in the U.S. in 1935: 1 in 1000+
    Risk of melanoma in the U.S. today: 1 in 63
    A witty poem.

  18. Hysterical and informative! GENIUS as usual Ben!!

  19. I would like to say that this is
    a. genius
    b. too smart for people who still tan to understand

  20. paleishot, anyway.

  21. RE: For Your Information
    An amusing poem.
    Thank you for recomending it for all to read.
    And the article link, most insightful.
    Also, randomly, read an article on BBC online the other day about tanning beds definitly causing cancer.
    Thusly, wisdom marked.

  22. I totally agree... all these fake and bakers are getting is a quick high. They look good for a couple of weeks and then what? they're back to their normal self, they don't look at what is going to happen to them later in life. Good stuff ben!

  23. Really nice poem.

  24. It's good. A very interesting point of view.

  25. grawr!!!!! there's a comment!!!

  26. So true. I just saw something about this in the news the other day. Apparently tanning beds increase your chances of melanoma by 75%.

  27. very nice!!!
    how much

  28. If I looked good pale I wouldn't be driven to sit in the sun. But it's better than the coffin.

  29. this is amazing!!!

  30. i really like it... its worded just like you would talk in the lobby when we did homework... and it gets the point across.

  31. "A million souls do daily rest in those,
    Not beds, nay! coffins hot enclosed."

    Very nice work.