Thursday, August 18, 2011

Rick Perry Apologizes For Bernanke Remarks

Nashua, NH--Texas Governor Rick Perry apologized Wednesday for comments that implicitly threatened Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke, saying they were not violent enough.

At a Tuesday campaign stop in Iowa, Perry had described the possibility of the Fed printing more money before the 2012 presidential election as “treason,” and that “I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa, but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas.” Critics pounced on what they said was an implicit call for violence against a public servant. In a follow-up speech, Perry apologized for the vagueness of his comments.

“I understand my responsibilities as a candidate for President of the United States of America,” Perry said, “and I am sorry that I fell short of the ideal of a bloodthirsty, hyper-masculine ultra man.”

He elaborated: “I should have clarified what I meant by ‘pretty ugly down in Texas.’ I mean, Ben Bernanke hasn’t killed anyone and he’s not retarded, not completely anyway, so we can’t execute him—at least not without botching an investigation first. You might have also thought that for committing treason we might elect him governor, but no dice.”

“So to level with y’all, what I meant is that we would strip Bernanke to his skivvies, chain him to a pickup truck—not my pickup, not necessarily—and drag him through the town square, where he would be branded, hung, and burned to death. Like in the good old days!”

Observers seemed mostly satisfied with the apology, though some still pressed Perry for specifics.

“It’s not enough to say he would just hang and burn the Fed chairman,” said supporter Fred Wallace. “We need to know what he would do while carrying this out. Would he sodomize him with farm implements? Spit on him while yelling ethnic slurs? I don’t know that I can support a candidate whose policy positions are so simplistic.”

Perry is set to continue his tour of New Hampshire, where he will meet supporters, shake hands and kick babies.

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